Innocent Unions

I was first betrothed at age six. The 1st grade groom-to-be was a little boy I deftly wooed – tying him up with the Daddy ties in the Let’s Pretend area of Mrs. Lieberman’s classroom. I knew he was mine when at Valentine’s he presented me with a crystal unicorn necklace, purchased with his own allowance out of a Boy Scouts fund raiser kit. My reciprocal token of affection of candy hearts and a Garfield valentine ( “I Think You’re Purrrrrr-fect!”) seemed embarrassingly small in comparison.

At his house, during a “Wanna Come Over?” (now nauseatingly referred to as a “play date”) he further showed his love by letting me be the He-Man to his Skelator – me reveling in this strange world of boy toys, as together we defended Grayskull from certain doom.

The proposal of course was handled by 3rd parties as was custom. A note tossed on my desk confirmed the arrangement had been made – approved by both sides of the aisle. The preparations would remain simple. There would be no time to compare me to a 800 foot green monster terrorizing Tokyo, or for last minute runs to get a mani-pedi; wearing the obligatory sweat suit with “I’m the Bride” stitched across my behind.

Beneath the huppah of the uneven monkey bars we were wed. A little boy named Chucky with curly red hair and grubby brown corduroy pants officiated the ceremony. We spoke our vows – moved closer together by the u-shaped groove in the dirt, worn over time by older girls practicing their up and overs.

I carried a bouquet of dandelions and buttercups that a friend had thoughtfully tied together with an obliging shoelace. It appeared that the groom carried nothing, but I knew he secretly fidgeted with
the Garbage Pail Kids card he kept in his pocket.

In lieu of a reception (we only got 25 minutes for recess after all), the ceremony concluded with a celebratory round of kickball, the lucky groom carrying me across the threshold of home plate. Weighing in at 40 lbs to my 45, I was touched by his valiant effort.

Sadly, our union was cut short after a few weeks of wedded bliss by another who caught his fancy, a young temptress of name that rhymed with Schmemily. No protracted ill will would linger in my tender little heart, so I’ll always think fondly of my first husband, even after 26 years apart…I still have the unicorn necklace.

The L Word Series Finale – Not Again! (Soprano-Style)

Spoiler Alert! I’m revealing the “ending” (and I’m using that term VERY loosely) so stop reading if you don’t want to know…

Frickin Frackin’ L Word!!! Now Showtime is the culprit – 2 years ago it was HBO. They have ended another highly successful long-running cable series with a vague, let-the-viewer figure it out series ending!! I could almost hear the faint strains of “Don’t stop believin” and flashing back to Tony Soprano inhaling onion rings while the whole country watched the screen go to black. I know most people were screaming and checking their cable boxes, myself included – no one believing that they weren’t going to see Tony get whacked by the guy in the Members Only jacket.

Anyway, back to the L Word…The advertised the finale last week as a “two-hour series finale event”. Me being the dumb, trusting loyal viewer turned it on at 9pm and settled in for a nice two hour L-fest. L stuff happens, big bombs are dropped, illusions are made to who would be capable of killing Jenny – yada yada yada. Jenny is found dead in the pool which we all learned in Episode 1.

I’m so pissed right now I’m not going to spell out the whole plot. The last scene is the investigating detective Lucy Lawless asks all the women to come down to the police station for questioning. You see cars pulling into the parking lot and then the credits start appearing on the screen and the music rises up. All the women start smiling and strutting towards the camera with the series theme re-mix playing. I’m like, why are they smiling and why are the credits rolling? Is this the introduction to the next half of the finale??!!!

Nope – after 45 seconds of smiling and hand holding as they walk towards the camera – Ilene Chaiken and co. thank me for 6 great seasons. WTFFFFF????????????

I’m still sitting here scrolling through the channels looking for my second hour.

I loved the L Word – but that ending gets a big fat S on the suckiness meter. Please comment if you agree or disagree – I’m truly interested in what other people thought of that.

The Resolutionary War – 1/1/09-12/31/09

For those of us in the world that follow the Gregorian calendar, the new year of 2009 has begun. And with that comes the time-honored tradition of making resolutions. Whether it’s a by-product of one’s adulthood or the increasingly stress-filled social tempo of the 21st century, it seems to me that making New Year’s resolutions has moved from being a light-hearted conversation piece to an all-out war with one’s self and the temptations we try so hard to resist.

There are probably a million possibilities for your own annual list – but I’ve found the most repeated resolutions to be Eat Better and Lose Weight.

While these are great aspirations, the paths to victory for many are continually blocked by some worthy and dangerous opponents. So begins the battle.

Enemy # 1 – Sugar
Code Names: Little Debbie, Tasty Cakes, Ben & Jerry…

She’s cute, she’s cunning. This chubby-cheeked little sweetie-pie will seduce you with her sweet, cakey deliciousness in the evening while you relax in front of the television. She also has no qualms about attacking in the morning; whispering in your ear that yes, Oatmeal Creme Pies are a wonderful breakfast choice. They’ve got oatmeal in them don’t they?

Allied Forces: Low Calorie Alternatives that Taste (Almost) as Good

Code Names: Sugar-Free Pudding/Jello, Tootsie Pops (1 lollipop – not the whole army), Klondike Slim-a-Bear Ice Cream Bars, Coffee with artificial sweetener

Coffee will fill you up, suppress the appetite and cream is good for you!!! Just stay away from the donuts.

Enemy # 2 – Salty Snacks
Code Names: Chips, Doritos, Cheesy Curls…

Not these kind of Chips…

Salty snacks are my own personal nemesis. Luckily there are a few allies that can quell the urge for these yummy adversaries.

Allied Forces – Salty, Crunchy Snacks that aren’t 200 calories for a handful

Code Names: Pickles, Soy Crisps, 94% Fat Free Microwave Popcorn

How ’bout a pickle? They’re snappy, salty, dilly. What can be better for 0 calories?

BBQ Soy Crisps by Glenny’s are also my fave – they taste just like BBQ chips and are only 60 calories per serving. And they have all that good soy protein.

94% fat free microwave popcorn – you can eat the whole bag without guilt. Plus popcorn really fills you up…I prefer Newman’s Own myself ’cause then you can feel good about your money going to charity. Everybody wins!

Enemy # 3 – Exercise Excuses
Code Names: Too tired, too much work, not enough time, I have kids, I can’t afford the gym…

Allied Forces – Exercise that’s Fun

These can include pretty much anything according to your personal preference of what constitutes “fun” (off the couch). For some it may be digging in the garden all day, for others it may be taking a dance class. Not Jazzercise, but a REAL dance class. I took a few tap dancing classes once, and they kicked my ass.

Nobody says you have to get on the treadmill…unless of course it’s fun for you. You know why I was a skinny kid? Because I skipped everywhere! It was fun and it got me places fast. I may look like a jackass doing it now, but who cares?

 

Of course, the real war is won when you try your best. If you don’t reach your resolutions, don’t wrack yourself with guilt as I believe that type of emotion is more damaging to your body than any Tasty Cake. And you always have next year!

The L Word Premiere – Who Killed Jenny?

The final season of the L Word is premiering on Sunday, January 18th on Showtime. The buzz on L is that they are once again killing off a central character in the murder of Jennifer Schecter. Jenny is the mousy, shy hetero with a penchant for cutting turned Hollywood power lesbian. This is the not the first time that L has killed off a main player – I still haven’t forgiven them for killing off Dana, the sweet, one-foot-in-the-closet pro tennis player. Of course it gave them an excuse to run the obligatory “pink” episode with the L gang slapping on their bike gear to do a Ride For Breast Cancer fund raiser.

Over the last five seasons Jenny’s character has undergone quite a metamorphasis, especially in season 5. Mia Kirshner, the actress who plays Jenny, was quoted as saying she tried to invoke a little Marie Antoinette into Season 5 Jenny, and for that she was highly successful. Jenny solidified her role as the girl everyone loved to hate. Although I felt she went so far off the obnoxious cliff that it was pretty unbelievable that the rest of the L Squad would remain friends with her.

So early spoilers have suggested that Jenny has been murdered and that EVERYBODY is a suspect. Very “Who Shot JR” for those of you born before 1980. I still won’t know until the premiere if this is just a media stunt and will all turn out to be a dream sequence. Although if that’s true, I’ll be disgusted enough not be too sad that the L Word is going off the air. Did I mention they’ve only filmed 8 episodes for this last “season”? Although Sex and the City did so well as a feature film, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ilene chaiken and company drag the girls out in a couple of years for another round of L Wordness.

I’ll miss Bette the most, played by Jennifer Beals. I loved her in Flashdance, but her impressive body of work in this series forever releases her from being remembered only as that chick from the 80’s who inspired everybody to cut up their sweatshirts and wear legwarmers.

Talk to you after the premiere!

Why My 1st Born Son will Never Be Named Dell – A Tech Support Nightmare

We’ve all been there…Christmas comes, you buy your loved one a new computer. Isn’t that nice. Uh oh – computer not working. Let’s call tech support, shall we?

Press 1 if you speak English – 1

Press 2 if you require an agent. 2

Press 1 if this is a software issue

Press 2 if this is a hardware issue

Press 3 if this is neither of those – 3

Press 1 if you’d like to talk to an agent

Press 2 if you would like to reach through the phone and place your hands around my neck, squeezing until I beg for mercy.

Okay – I made up that last one, but wouldn’t that be the best prompt ever???

Of course, the late 20th century method of cruel and unusual punishment, otherwise known as Prompts, has been unseated from power by the new branch of the customer service mafioso family called “Voice Recognition Prompts” – a pretty piece of propaganda if I ever heard one, as they do not possess one iota of recognition of my voice – one intoned with the flattest, most Eastern-Atlantic accent you can find on the planet. Not even living in Massachusetts for the last 11 years has removed even a trace of my Connecticut-born “R’s”.

Of course there is no repurcussion against the VR mob – Dell’s first line of defense – as there is no reasoning to be had with that oh-so-calm woman’s voice telling me “Sorry! I didn’t quite get that” as I tell her NO, I do not want to be transferred to a North American agent for an extra fee.
Yes, that’s right – you have to pay EXTRA to speak to an American.

So the negotiation of the VR mob’s prompt labyrinth of hell begins, including 2 disconnections after waiting for 20 minutes on hold. A small transcript:

Obnoxious VR Mob Boss Voice:“We’re experiencing an unusually high call volume – would you like to schedule an appointment for sometime in March 2020?”

Me: NO!

OVMBV: “Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Would you like to schedule an appointment?”

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

OVMBV: “Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Would you like to schedule an appointment?”

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OVMBV: “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you…please call back later” CLICK.

Damn – she’s good.

Which brings me to the inevitable connection to my friends over in India – Gupta, Deepak, Pakaj and a few others. Six in all during the course of the 7 hour foray into Dell tech support madness. I won’t even get into the time they transferred me to the Canadian guy – I’m too tired to write a post that long.

Indian Tech Guy # 1 – Utterly useless. Made us do a system restore which deleted family pictures we’ll never get back.

Indian Tech Guy # 2 – Lovely guy, Deepak – seemed to know what he was doing. Identified the problem and apparently had a solution. Vista was crashing every time we did a Windows update – spitting out the dreaded blue screen. Lovely tech guy says “Let’s Do a Clean Install”. Unfortunately, the install according to him would take 40 minutes or so. We gave him both our phone numbers and were informed that he would call us right back within the hour to continue the fix. Tick…Tock…

Install finished in 15 minutes. Two hours later, no word from Deepak.

Indian Tech Guy # 3 – “Let me review your case and I’ll be right with you” Click. Disconnected

Indian Tech Guy # 4 – This one didn’t hang up on me – but after determining that the Vista clean install was successful – walked me through an hour of installing the wrong drivers. I foolishly hung up thinking everything was all right now. Went to my desktop – what do you know? The wireless internet is gone!

Intermission. (It is now 2:00 pm – took a bathroom and lunch break. Did I mention this started at 8:30 am?)

Indian Tech Guy # 5 – My favorite one, and I’m not being sarcastic. He was the first one to suggest remotely taking over my computer. He installed the correct drivers. Then it was time to do the 33 pending Windows updates and see if the dreaded blue screen would appear. I got smart after 5 hours, I made him stay on the phone while all 33 downloaded and installed. Gave me a chance to catch up on my reading during that hour…although I would call out “# 2 completed! # 13 completed! # 22 completed!”, etc. just to make sure he was still paying attention and also ’cause I wanted to be obnoxious.

Indian Tech Guy # 6 – I don’t remember what we did – I’m in a full-blown stupidy-stupor at this point.

ALL FIXED!

I would not wish this day on my worst enemy. (Okay, maybe I can think of one or two). But for the rest of you readers, I don’t have all the answers – but here’s a few tips.

1. If you can help it, don’t call on a Saturday or Sunday.

2. Write down your service tag and express tag on a piece of paper. I didn’t realize that they would ask for it 10 million times and got tired of having to flip over the computer.

3. Write down every single error you see on your computer – even if you don’t think it’s important. You have to speak the language a little bit.

4. Be firm but don’t be hostile – they’ll just keep you on hold longer, or not answer at all. Always remember they hold the power here.

5. When you get Indian Tech Guy on the phone, ask him for his name and direct extension before you start chatting. They don’t have direct lines at Dell, but he will give you a number with his voicemail extension. If you get disconnected, leave 10 million voice messages for him until he calls you back.

6. After you start chatting, write down your case number before you do anything. You can reference this when you inevitably get disconnected from Indian Guy # 1 and start with Indian Guy # 2. This will save you a lot of time.

7. Suggest that they remotely take over the computer. Not all of them will think of it, and it really is the best way.

8. Don’t buy a computer with Windows Vista. I’m telling you, wait for the next OS or downgrade to XP.

9. Leave the gun, take the cannolis.

Godspeed

Favorite Blog of the Week – John McCain Attempts to Win the Young Vote

I once went to a cocktail party at my Dad’s house where I alone represented the under-60 demographic.

I got to chatting with an older man that was introduced to me and he mentioned that he lived in Boston. Just trying to make small talk, I said that I missed Boston, and hadn’t been there since catching a Paul McCartney concert at the Fleet Center. His response was “Oh – I don’t really know about him. Those Beatles are your young peoples’ generation…” Uhhhhh – dude? Born in 1977 brother, not QUITE.

This BLOG POST cracked me up – caught the spirit of that encounter…

Keep checking back with the IOU Blog for more political satire and musings…

Joaquin Phoenix Walks the Unemployment Line

Don’t laugh at the Joaq. It makes for a very awkward interview.

Joaquin Phoenix told E! Online yesterday that a movie he just wrapped will be his last acting role – EVER.

Standing next to brother in law Casey Affleck, Phoenix tells the interview that he’s done with acting forever and going to focus on music. The EOnline guy ain’t no Barbara Wah-Wah. He can’t get his head together enough to ask any intelligent questions and just starts laughing. Phoenix gets annoyed real quick and takes off leaving Affleck behind to finish up the interview.

Watch the interviewer’s face at the very end – it’s so funny. If you could put a picture in the dictionary next to the word “Duuhhhh” – this would be the money shot.

So – this is the bummer of the week. He kind of seems like a dick in person – but I LOVE him as an actor. Guess I’ll have to go rent Parenthood and relive the good old days. I wonder what his music name will be? Artist Formerly Known as Leif?

Response to Rick Melanson

Rick’s Comment

A little liquid courage never hurt anybody. Kudos to you man.

The Big Guy Cheers on Red Sox to Victory

Nope, I’m not talking about Big Papi .

I’m talking about this guy – Rick Melanson who pulled a shock and awe cheerleading spectacle last night at Fenway in Games 5 of the ALCS series – spurring on the Bo Sox to pull out one of the greatest comebacks in ALCS history.

I admit it – I was a bad fan. I turned on the TV last night only to switch it off in quick disgust at the 7-0 Rays on top in the 7th. I couldn’t watch – I’m still scarred from the Aaron Boone home run. I guess that stays with me ’cause it’s the first year I actually cared about baseball.

I went for coffee this morning and felt like an ass – as I’m waiting in line I glance down at the various papers for my usual headline peeks and read half articles while I wait…and wait…and wait for coffee. I actually said aloud “What The Eff!!!!” Really loud actually, kind of embarrassing when I saw ”Miracle Sox!” roaring off the front of the Boston Herald.

Remember what’s her face, Brandi Chastain who yanked off her shirt and romped around the field in her sports bra after winning the ‘99 World Cup? (it’s so funny people got all upset about that). Anyway, she was cute and ripped and everything – but who needs Brandi when you’ve got Rick.

One of my favorite Red Sox moments is sitting on top of the Green Monster the first week it opened and hearing a guy in the crowd scream pure Boston style – “Hey Millah! Hit a Dingah!!”

Rick Melanson is my new favorite…anybody who throws out the man-boobs for Red Sox Nation is okay in my book.

Response to Miss Julie – Project Runway Installment

Que?

Miss Julie if you’re reading this – go to Google and type in define:nonsensical. Read the definitions carefully.

I don’t mean to be rude – but what the heck are you talking about? Really, I’m not trying to being mean – I’m just so confused right now.